39. College and collage
The idea of life-long learning is increasingly a reality for many people. Managing it in a schedule of engagements can pose challenges, but overcoming ignorance rewards effort. In his last book, Where Do We Go From Here? , Martin Luther King urged his black compatriots to educate themselves and claim their entitlements to socio-economic advantages, thereby steadily integrating like their Jewish brothers in America had done. He wrote that “deeds uninformed by educated thought can take false directions”, while “education without social action is a one-sided value because it has no true power potential. ” Acquiring knowledge and skills, and using them in the world, fosters independence and responsibility. He quotes Cicero (106-43 B.C.): “freedom is participation in power”.
The philosopher Walter Wink has criticised mainstream education systems for moulding citizens to keep capitalist concerns going, oblivious to what really matters. Psychologist Peter Grey has argued against the regimentation of schooling that impedes children and students from leading their own learning. And Parker J. Palmer urges teachers to loosen up and listen to class members as if they are human beings too.
The sufi way supports deeper more individualistic approaches to education. Sufism was mainly cultivated in Middle-Eastern Moslem countries but has germinated in all nations, for millennia, as the seed of great civilisations. It is the ‘open secret’, according to Stuart Litvak in Seeking Wisdom, that’s buried deep within each of us: the essential or dormant kernel of primal truth from whence sprouts knowledge, understanding, and wisdom, when watered by the nutrient of love. Courtesy of a monograph by scholar, Idries Shah (influential member of the Institute for the Study of Human Knowledge,) one of their number, the revered thirteenth-century poet, Rumi, explains, “The methods used to help in the production of the higher state of perception include historical, religious and fable frameworks, as well as exercises of all kinds….the effort of man [is] to reunite with the understanding from which he is cut off… ” The desirability of deliberate application to a constellation of lessons is implied. Hindu Upanishads likewise stressed the need for self-development.
In the Buddhist Suttra on the Eight Realisations – “The Fifth Realisation is the awareness that ignorance is the cause of the endless round of birth and death. Therefore, bodhisattvas [compassionate awakened ones] always remember to listen and learn in order to develop their understanding and eloquence. This enables them to educate living beings and bring them to the realm of great joy.”
‘The present moment, contains past and future. The secret of transformation is in the way we handle this very moment’
‘Practise conscious breathing, to water the seeds of awakening. Right View is a flower blooming in the field of mind consciousness.’
Both quotes are from the Avatamsaka Sutra. Everything is interconnected.
Like Eastern analyses of the mind as a storehouse, flexible and subject to conditioning, key Western figures advise gaining knowledge as a grounding, a means to the end of transformational creativity. In an Interview with Lewis Hyde , author of The Gift, he paints a far less constrained picture than that of mainstream institutions of how to handle information. The quest for nourishment of self and community by giving work away is contrasted with the utilitarian push to master the marketable skills that assure an income and career, though later he reconciles both.
This creative embrace represents the highest level on Maslow’s hierarchy of human needs; that of self-actualisation. Attaining this state was originally thought possible only after the other levels had been met, but now it’s generally accepted that stages commonly overlap. When crisis hits, the basics tend to come first, and people sensibly do whatever it takes to secure food, shelter, safety, aid and so on. Once danger’s past, freedoms to reach out return. Libraries, apprenticeships, travel and other more immediate activities can enrich the mind and enhance skills. Matthew Crawford‘s book, The Case For Working With Your Hands, champions craft trades. Finding purpose revitalises.
MOOCS (massive open online courses) usually cost nothing and while generally unaccredited, and prone to non-completion, provide a nice recent introduction to, or continuation of, academic education. Some can even focus on issues being experienced, such as Tulane’s, or FutureLearn’s trauma course. From self-learning to night-classes to part-time or full-time university courses, each may exert an attraction that can be met through fulfilling criteria step by step. There’s even an international institute devoted to creativity studies.
Not alone is it deeply satisfying from a personal perspective, when the time’s right, but creativity is now recognised as an essential ingredient of a vibrant society.
38. The talking cure
Many people enduring the stressful after-effects of awful events report that counselling or psychotherapy has helped them access resources to cope effectively with challenges. Further glowing accounts of resultant improvements emanate primarily from practitioner bodies; a more modulated Wiki consideration of outcomes, subtitled Criticisms and Questions, suggests benefits occur in about half the cases, on a par with the placebo effect. Most people have to do without qualified input though, due to lack of service provision, or lack of access to it, yet tend to manage somehow.
In the absence of some kind of therapeutic space, however, understanding and coming to terms with damage might be sacrificed. The quality of life of those who survive adversity varies quite a lot, depending on what happened and what happens next. Many traumatised people describe feeling dead inside and may go to their graves languishing in a miasma of anxiety without resolving anything. The resilience of others, who bounce back from horrors with little or no structured intervention, is now being studied to enlighten new helping techniques.
Taking time in an accepting setting to examine any serious disruption seems to bestow an empowering effect, whether done in a strictly therapeutic environment or not. Such outcomes are routinely cited to promote the use of professional services. Not all therapists are well versed in treating trauma though, and traditionally have pathologised the victim, often to avoid conflict with their colleagues. These ‘experts’ are all too human, having often entering the field in sympathy after getting through their own terrible times. Chapters 7, 8 and 9 of Judith Herman‘s book explores what can be expected, good and bad. Further knowledge of the territory can be gleaned from many sources e.g. dvds of programmes such as In Treatment.
Thomas Szasz, in, The Myth of Mental Illness, and other works, challenged conventional assumptions about the value of treatments. Elsewhere, In his rich narrative, If You Meet The Buddha On The Road, Kill Him, his book about being a psychotherapist, Sheldon Kopp claimed to operate as an entrepreneurial psychotherapist. Fee payment allowed clients to interact with him on an equal footing, an arrangement he contrasted with coerced psychotherapy, where patients involuntarily would have to submit to evaluation by carers whose roles were largely more similar to those of prison officers.
The third type he identified, bureaucratic psychotherapy, straddled extremes of simple persuasion to split therapist loyalty, between client, and parents, school, and/or management. In reality, proof of depraved abuses, and of highly-ethical dedication to clients’ best interests, is found in each of a myriad of extant approaches. Unfortunately, complicated cases fail more, despite Dante’s dictum: “He who sees a need and waits to be asked for help is as unkind as if he had refused it.”
Yet one size doesn’t fit all. When the standard motivation counselling methods weren’t working to keep impoverished youth in education, in 1974 New York, psychologists first devised the more practical alternative of life skills coaching, thus obtaining strikingly better results. In Outliers, Malcolm Gladwell shows how success requires the right inputs of opportunities and resources, both in cash and kind, a lack of which is to blame in virtually all cases of falling short.
It’s also important to bear in mind that from therapists’ point of view, other people’s troubles earn their livelihoods and build their careers.The best inoculation against chronic traumatic stress is having voluntary close relationships refined from enduring mutual support. After therapy is deemed complete, the professional closes the diagnostic file and moves to the next customer. They’d better care about who’s there for you outside the office.
Responding to perceived flaws in her fields, psychiatry and psychotherapy, Anne Wilson-Schaef designed a new holistic therapy called Living in Process, as per her books, including Beyond Therapy. Protesting against the reductionist scientific paradigm and noticing addictions everywhere, she emphasised an experiential approach to bring openness to whatever arises, however paradoxical. One of her primary bugbears concerned the inability of psychotherapists to resist concocting and imposing techniques, formulas and standardised frames of reference onto a client’s reality, rather than giving it organic room to breathe and define itself towards more straightforward resolution.
Ideally, word-of-mouth recommendations, credential checks and personality/beliefs match give a better chance of positive results. Helpers need to be honest, warm, and realistic, opening up options and regularly reviewing progress. If doubts arise, trust intuition, especially if questions are aggressively confronted. In such encounters of unequal power, only one participant is authorised to officially label the other as hostile or disordered.
Whether opting for therapy or not, people can do a lot for themselves. In 1979, Janette Rainwater wrote ‘a guide to becoming your own therapist’ called, You’re In Charge, specifying many useful exercises and tools. More recently in the same vain, Philippa Perry gives instruction on self-development in, How To Stay Sane. The publishers, The School Of Life, set up by Alain de Boutain, distributes all kinds of insights on positive changes. Pub psychologist Nash Popovic also disseminates comprehensive wisdom.
There’s an infinite stream of material available on all kinds of issues and services. Discerning and practising relevant quality options, while focusing primarily on rebuilding the universal foundations of a healthy personal life, tends to work best.
36. Ensuring the message intended,
Desmond Morris, author of The Naked Ape, claims that in communication, the animal heritage of human beings is on display through body language and sounds made, even across cultures. The common fear of public speaking has been blamed on an inherent terror of being ostracised. As well as a comment on presentations, the phenomenon of neoteny is identified as those traits in apes and especially in humans that preserve biologically youthful features much longer than happens in other species. Unencumbered by defensive appendages or covers, such as claws or fur, the persistent attractiveness and ultra-social group rapport that evidently result mean that members depend heavily on one another to get their needs met.
Every action can be imbued with meaning by whoever might be witnessing it, subject to many factors affecting perception and interpretation. Eric Berne analysed these transactions in his 1964 classic, Games People Play, and the techniques he initially developed in it to communicate more clearly were carried forward by others into programmes such as assertiveness training. The importance of improving communication skills for succeeding in the workplace and in social life is stressed in many such programmes. Online self-evaluation tests are offered, accompanied by exercises to overcome weaknesses.
People’s habitual responses to information or behaviour presented is routinely exploited by advertisers, marketeers and others. An excellent breakdown of the main points made in the most often-cited study, supplemented by apt examples, on Influence, subtitled The Psychology of Persuasion, by Robert B. Cialdini,has been posted on casanovependrillblog.
Recipients of messages are affected by a few predominant dynamics: reciprocation, commitment and consistency, social proof, authority, liking and scarcity. These different elements ring true, although intense social pressure to conform while attention is elsewhere is often involved when invoking them, creating an atmosphere of mind games.
The mental capacity of the human race has evolved such a sophisticated fast-paced complex environment, intensified by industrial and technical innovations, that it makes dealing with rapidly-changing situations by falling back on animal instincts more difficult. In uncertain conditions, judgements are arrived at by crunching all available data down into hugely-simplified few options through the use of what Kahneman and Tversky called, heuristics and biases.
This could also mean, however, that default responses are relied on and encounters occur with the same unwanted outcome again and again. Just as the most frequently-heard tip to stay calm while delivering a speech to a group emphasises deep slow breathing, basic relaxation and pausing exercises play a significant part in adjusting maladaptive communication patterns. Creative visualisation is another tool often used to prime for success, as well as actually devising the structure and subsections of a talk or discussion beforehand, and practising it. People swear by this type of preparation.
In ordinary conversations that can become agitated, steps can also be taken to ease matters. One such approach, developed by Marshall Rosenberg, called nonviolent communication, is based on compassionately accepting that everyone has needs and is trying to meet them. In this strategy for positive social change, quite specific guidelines for getting to, and over, the point of strife are summarised: observation, stating needs and feelings, and requesting action. Many people report benefits on learning and applying the process.
Similarly, right speech depends on right thoughts. Instead of blurting things out thoughtlessly, taking a moment to consider how words might affect others refines what is ultimately spoken. Even silence signals something. Just as there are different languages to express the same thing, and different social arrangements to meet similar goals, solving an issue can require an airing of different scripts ,depending on where the actors are coming from. Tolerance conveys permission to safely voice concerns and facilitates more engaging lively debate. Inclusion underpinned by respect is the direction to go in.
35. The energy in things
While they’re not the same, religious structures, and their rituals that bind, tend to convey spiritual notions. The implications of intolerance for others’ religious beliefs is sadly projected by many of the world’s war-zones, past and present. Religious enforcement often overlaps political allegiance – think of the Spanish Inquisition.
Given all the many religions in operation, beliefs may conflict, but what threads them together is how they address invisible aspects of life. While keeping the chakras of a person’s subtle body unblocked is linked to ancient lifestyle approaches such as yoga, this cartography of human physiology is still widely invoked by complementary healers. Terrible times can awaken a quest for something to believe in. Research conducted by Dr Randolph Byrd in 1988, though contested, demonstrates the power of faith; those who were the objects of intercessory prayer fared much better on a range of medical tests over time than a control group. Dr Larry Dossey and others support the claim.
“And if you would know God be not therefore a solver of riddles.
Rather look about you and you shall see Him playing with your children. And look into space; you shall see Him walking in the cloud, outstretching His arms in the lightning and descending in rain. You shall see Him smiling in flowers, then rising and waving His hands in trees.”
And from chapter 25 of the Lao-Tzu’s esteemed Tao Te Ching:
“There is something formlessly created
Born before Heaven and Earth
So silent! So ethereal!
Independent and changeless
Circulating and ceaseless
It can be regarded as the mother of the world”.
Rupert Sheldrake methodically takes Western scientific dogma to task for vetoing the study of non-solid topics, generally related to mind or soul dynamics however understood, in the humorously-titled, The Science Delusion. His peers are catching up now, admitting to a ‘post-materialist’ reality. Some scientists have been drawn to mysteries, such as those described by Michio Kaku in his book, The Physics Of The Impossible, and elsewhere. He dissects the latest findings on human mastery of skills imagined in science fiction, including telepathy, time travel and perpetual motion. Dr Korotkov in Russia has also earned fame for imaging invisible plant life. It has even been argued that science in Europe was primarily sponsored by the Catholic Church.
A spiritual curiosity creeps up on most people at some time during their lives, spurring them into deeper enquiry. Jack Kerouac retraced the best-known biography of Buddha in a slim volume, Wake Up, articulating his own reflections e.g. ‘to escape [to nirvana] from the prison, [of samsara] was why the prison was made.” He claimed to cultivate his future works based on it. Richard Grossinger applies similar tenets directly to current affairs in the more contemporary tome, The Bardo Of Waking Life.
Sam Harris argues that people can do without religion while still gaining a lot of quality comfort and support from spirituality. Others cry narcissism at the a la carte approach to faith, which can amount to no more than a cult of self-worship according to Paul C. Vitz, in his book, Psychology As Religion. Of many useful resources out there, Sounds True and Wisdom Books cater for a wide range of spiritual queries. Ken Wilber’s integral embrace and transcend system is more all-inclusive: it says everyone’s right – and there’s more! He doesn’t stop at recommending the integration of beliefs only, but at blending spiritual essences into everyday routines alongside taking responsibility for developing as a healthy human being, to make it meaningful, for a ‘holy’ (whole) life.
Furthermore, sensing and believing in extra being, inside, outside, above or below the self is less of a shot in the dark than it might seem when numerous well-regarded scientists are now convinced, based on their research results, of the immortality of consciousness, the seat of the individual self-concept. So, having a little faith, it seems, is not only good for the soul, but sound science, and the solace supplied can be most important during high-stress episodes.
34. Perspectives on sex
Sigmund Freud is synonymous with his controversial theories that spelt out psycho-sexual human development, amongst other significant observations on socialisation. Hot on his heels came Masters and Johnson, and Kinsey, collecting evidence to back up their hunches about the wide range of expressions sexuality can take.
Such findings, the invention of the pill, and popular culture ushered in more lax mores in the West from the middle of the twentieth century, which is confirmed by more frank instructions such as is found in The Little Red Schoolbook, from 1969. These were refreshingly liberating compared to the advice doled out to housewives up to that point in women’s magazines, which bullied them into staying in long-suffering masochistic roles. The trend of candour lives on; columnist Caitlín Moran is one example, and film director, Lena Denham, another. There are tips for guys, and plenty of informative TV programmes now on the topic. Pornography has its place for some but toys precariously with expectations and may disrupt or even destroy real intimacy. Reality checks seem to be necessary to dispel false impressions given elsewhere, especially in romantic films and books, whose lies can allegedly ruin love lives. Survivors of sexual abuse may need extra attention.
Unfortunately, the promise of blissful intimacy marketed by internet dating sites may fail to highlight some alarming dangers that go with it. While everyone would encourage taking precautions with total strangers, the picture is even more sobering when it comes to close partners, where the highest risk of assault and homicide has been shockingly linked to law enforcement officials. The phenomenon of misogyny persists in various guises across the globe but, with unflagging shaming and resistance, it can be eventually defeated, just as campaigns to abolish slavery brought relief.
Clearly, of course, sex has been happening from the beginning of time. It has generally been considered a force requiring regulation in tribal groups because of its gift to reproduce human resources expected to act in and for the wider public, despite its assumed private aspect. Attempts to control indulgence have been taken to extremes of genital mutilation of both girls and boys, sometimes to the point of organ amputation. Such practices continue in traditions which generally originated in circumstances of incredibly harsh environments where leisure wasn’t afforded.
Most civilisations, however, do not resort to such harmful measures and never did. The revered ancient Hindu text, the Kama Sutra, affirms the positive aspects of passionate affectionate relationships, as does the Biblical text, The Song Of Solomon. To help people iron out the many neuroses they may be carrying around with them after negative indoctrination and experiences from the past, teachers such as David Deida have been modernising tantric exercises and uniting them with other optimal concepts of sexuality in a variety of accessible programmes.
Flexibility to choose who to love, assuming consent, makes for more mutually-respectful pairings and a more tolerant heart-led democracy. An awareness of the suffering that sexual misconduct can wreak places a responsibility on participants to be considerate, teaches Thich Nhat Hanh. This is what his book Fidelity: How To Create A Loving Relationship That Lasts, is all about. Anthropologist Maurice Godelier believes that, in moving away from conservative nuclear groupings that were most venerated in the Victorian era, the increasing plasticity of family forms better reflects how humanity interacted in the past, as detailed in his book, The Metamorphoses of Kinship. Whatever negative views are held about relationships, the good news is that, albeit with a little corrective thinking and behaviour in some cases, everyone can hope to enjoy positive loving connection with others of their preference. For those already in mutually-cherishing unions, alleluia!
33. Knowing who friends are
People operate on a continuum between a need for solitude and for company, either by choice or necessity. Being able to regulate which direction to go in boosts well-being, yet the rug can suddenly be pulled from under an illusion of trustworthiness. Other people also like to regulate their involvement and journey. One relationship partner may be hoping to derive advantages that are quite different from what the other wants. Martin Buber’s cherished book, I and Thou shows how society’s cues encourage utilitarian aims rather than support open vulnerability in the space of authentic encounter.
Romance is not dead, however, but possibly transmuted as the entire human culture from its inception to today induces women in particular to fall for stereotypes around what they should want. The male disconnect response is made worse by a tendency to believe that behaviour is experienced as it’s intended and that everything’s fine, according to Herb Goldberg, in What Men Still Don’t Know About Women.
The right thing for women to do in marriage, according to religious and secular counsellors, has been to put up with ill-treatment and take the blame. Martha Nussbaum, in Women and Human Development, faults past methods of gauging female satisfaction for overlooking real problems women face in their material and social settings. With restricted resources for practising capabilities, asking what their conditions allow them to be and to do is wiser. Family conflict becomes an economic and social issue.
Family is where children develop and socialise, and how well this happens affects future interactions. The desire for human proximity dates to this crucial period when dependency is such that death could follow abandonment. If the impact is negative from Toxic Parents, as Susan Forward called her book on overcoming hurtful legacies, attention to undermining patterns and mindsets later will probably be needed. Naming truths, attempting genuine dialogue, can stir up awkward waves on the way to liberation, but left-over unhealthy manipulation, projection and silence only dull the life-force.The words and deeds of others who exert power shape thoughts, feelings and actions.Trying to please them despite plain evidence of a lack of respect, even abuse, just keeps a dysfunctional dynamic in play.
In his book about healing the inner child, Reconciliation, Thich Nhat Hanh teaches methods such as the peace treaty, beginning anew and letter-writing, to repair relationships. This approach acknowledges the delicacy and slow pace that may be required to address issues, but sometimes the only solution is to get far away.The author was exiled from his homeland for 35 years. It’s not only on Facebook that the name of ‘friend’ is frequently taken in vain.
Not everything can be readily fixed; it’s often complicated, to a greater or lesser extent, and equally hinges on the other person’s willingness to befriend with renewed integrity, tolerance and appropriate affection. Without that, wish them well while cutting ties, and losses, as trying too long to mend bonds may only lead to embitterment and dehumanisation.
A warm spirit of friendship, the wish for the other to thrive, is the common denominator linking positive relationships, whatever their form. Just as terrible pain can be felt after previously cherished acquaintances, perhaps those trusted the most, inflict betrayal or neglect, joy and optimism follow positive regard from fond companions. Good friends can be as nourishing as food. In tight spots, their presence and encouragement can even amount to the reason to go on.
Studies of immune function prove the beneficial effects of the company of genuine carers, although new patients and those recently shocked unfortunately may retreat from contact in fear of being a nuisance, just when social support is most important. On the other side, friends and helpers might back off too, unsure of how to assist, but when specific steps that can be taken to help are clearly communicated, responses are almost unfailingly generous. Prognoses of hard times have been clinically shown to improve with positive input, so pick the stalwarts from current affiliates, or waste no time seeking out new candidates. It makes a big difference. The inter-dependence of human beings makes it important to know who can be relied upon, and how to reciprocate. Love may wax and wane even as it fuels the heart.